A few months ago I got “inspired” to buy a vape. Apparently, all the kids my age do it.
I vaped for about 2-3 weeks. I bought 3 vapes. But it wasn’t giving me the high I was looking for. It wasn’t giving me that buzz that I read about. So I stopped, I figured lungs were more important.
A few weeks ago I was craving to try it again. Maybe I didn’t do it right the first time? November 2nd I bought a myle. And I decided to check up “how to vape.” And I realized the previous time I was doing it, was not the best way. So I blew the smoke in my mouth, inhaled it into my lungs, and breathed out. That was when I felt that buzz I read about. That was when I felt that high I was yearning for. The vape of 1000 puffs ran out a few days later. Wanting to and also not wanting to buy another one, I held back for a few days. On the other hand, I also thought what’s the big deal if I vape once in awhile.
November 9, I bought an air-bar lux. Watermelon ice flavor ofc. Oh how i felt- that buzz, that high, that breath of exhale- just seemed to fix all my problems in that moment. So I write this story as I inhale and exhale from my new disposable toy that fixes my problems for a few seconds at a time. I’m hoping after this one runs out I will be out of this “vaping stage.” Maybe my part 2 will be called “I quit vaping.” I guess we will see.
“𝘼𝙨 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒏𝒐𝒘, 𝑰’𝒎 𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒍𝒐𝒖𝒅𝒔”💨☁️
Loneliness- sadness because one has no friends or company.
I live with my sister, mom and dad.
So why do I feel lonely?
I have many friends- who constantly want to FaceTime.
So why do I feel lonely?
I have many friends who I text on a daily basis.
So why do I feel lonely?
I work in the same place as my best friend and see her almost everyday.
So why do I feel lonely?
I constantly ask myself this question and try to prove to myself why I shouldn’t feel lonely. Yet, I do.
This loneliness feels like a shadow.
Always there, always sticking to me even when I’m out and about with all my friends.
I just don’t understand. Why do I feel lonely?
I feel it so much, so deep and no one ever sees it on me.
It is my shadow.
My shadow when the sun is shining and when the moon is beaming.
For my shadow will never leave.
ₒₕ, ₕₒw ᵢ fₑₑₗ ₛₒ ₗₒₙₑₛₒₘₑ, ᵢ cₒᵤₗd cᵣy.
I don’t think you want a friends like me.
A friend who drinks alcohol… by themselves.
A friend who is well, sad all the time.
A friend who cuts because that’s what relaxes her.
A friend who vapes because it feels peaceful.
A friend who hides all her insecurities and vulnerabilities.
A friend who cries herself to sleep.
A friend who hates herself constantly.
A friend who tries to not eat.
A friend who steals her sisters addi to stop the hunger pangs.
A friend who no matter what she does never feels happy.
A friend who will lie so no one will ever see her shame.
A friend who needs to see blood to be reminded she’s alive.
A friend who constantly makes herself suffer.
A friend who knows that the vomiting the next morning isn’t worth it but does it anyway.
A friend who falls asleep at 5 am because of her anxiety.
A friend who lashes out when she’s lonely.
A friend who is looking for the neighborhood drug dealer.
A friend who sees no future for herself.
A friend who hides her alcohol from her parents.
A friend who prays that her vape will never be found.
A friend who is in constant fear of her secrets coming out.
A friend who’s depression just never seems to linger.
A friend who is self destructive.
A friend who just needs a hug.
A friend who is broken.
So why would you want a friend like me?
I know I wouldn’t.
Sadness, depression, unhappiness whatever the hell you want to call them has been my guest for quite a few months. Usually, moving in for weeks or months and sometimes just for a day or two. I never invite them over, they come knocking and never give me notice, not even a letter! But somehow I always invite them in even if I have exciting plans or am occupied with something- they know how to make themselves at home. They’re here in the morning from when I wake up till my head lays on my pillow at the end of the day. A lot of the time they’re making too much noise for me to fall asleep normally without needing a “midnight snack.” They like coming to work with me but, sometimes I’m to busy there to entertain them. We do my schoolwork together which kinda makes it go slower. A lot of the time they’re here so often that it’s too hard to eat a meal without them on top of me which results in hardly any bites because of their eagerness to “hang out” with me or to get out of bed in the morning without thinking how can I avoid them today. When I sing in the shower they usually leave for those few minutes since they don’t enjoy the gleefulness in my voice. When I met them I didn’t know we would become first name basis buddies. I’m planning on going to “classes” to find out how to not have them over so much or hopefully not at all but that’s a long shot. Maybe one day they will invite their cousin, happiness over to my house- how I’ve heard great things about them eager to meet. I don’t believe they will be leaving anytime soon and if they do I know they will come knocking again. I hope in the future these uninvited guests would learn some manners and ask to come in so I can say no.
⁃ sincerely the not so delighted host
I’m not sure if I’ve ever been in love, but I think I’ve felt something near it, and it is brutal, but at the same time addicting.
I think music in itself is healing. It’s an explosive expression of humanity. It relaxes us into another world when we’re in crisis. It’s something we are all touched by. No matter what culture we’re from, everyone loves music.
When your world moves too fast
and you lose yourself in the
chaos, introduce yourself to each
colour of the sunset. And cmon who doesn’t love sunsets!
A good laugh makes us. A good laugh heals a lot of hurt. It makes us feel amazing! The best part is… anyone can understand laughter, no matter what language, religion, or sex. It bring us humans together which is what makes it so remarkable.
When I look into
the eyes of an animal
I do not see an animal.
I see a living being.
I see a friend.
I feel a soul. My forever companion.
Because with the right person, sometimes kissing feels like healing. Plus, it is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
Hugging is the most beautiful form of communication that allows the other person to know beyond a doubt that they matter.
For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream. And just remember, only in the darkness do the stars shine.
The aim of art is to
represent not the
outward appearance of
things, but their inward
Sometimes, nature is all you need. For, in a world of constant change and streaming technology, I find solace in the forest where a tree remains a tree.
𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚖𝚝𝚑 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚞𝚗
The sun is like a big warm hug.
Wanna know how to change the world? Kindness. Unfortunately, too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
𝚆𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎- 𝚃.𝙿.
My parents do not understand me.
I am hiding so much from them.
I am restricting my food so much
I’m falling back into my old ways…
I calculate my food everyday
Needing it to be under 600 cals or I’m a failure.
I medicate myself to stop the hunger
And I drink to stop the pain.
I’m breaking all over again
I am beginning to feel numb.
They do not understand….
And they never will.
And this scares me
“ꜰᴇᴇɪɴɢ ɢᴜɪʟᴛʏ ꜰᴏʀ ᴇᴀᴛɪɴɢ ᴡʜᴇɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴜɴɢʀʏ ɪꜱ ʟɪᴋᴇ ꜰᴇᴇʟɪɴɢ ɢᴜɪʟᴛʏ ꜰᴏʀ ʙʀᴇᴀᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴡʜᴇɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʟᴜɴɢꜱ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴏxʏɢᴇɴ”
If only I can believe that.
My mind thinks about food all day.
I wake up and think “ok what are we eating today? Let’s lower the calories.” Sometimes I fail and sometimes I do well.
According to my calculations I ate around 548 calories today which is just the right amount. So now we need to go lower.
I think about food all day. It’s legit stressful and it gets tiring. “How am I gonna get out of dinner tonight?” I ask myself. “Are we gonna skip lunch or breakfast!?”
And when I do eat my three meals a day I’m mad at myself which causes me to just eat other stuff because I already technically “failed.” Life sucks and so does our mind.
I wish I can go to sleep without reviewing my food of that day and without telling myself that tomorrow I will eat less, tomorrow I will do better. If I do eat those three meals a day then I feel like a failure EVEN THO ITS NORMAL!!
And then my mind bombards me of how sucky i am and now I’m even more sucky because I couldn’t even have some self control. It’s exhausting.
𝔽𝑜𝑜ᗪ 𝕀ᔕ 𝐚ᒪŴ𝐚Ⓨᔕ 𝑜ภ мⓎ м𝕀ภᗪ, ᵇ𝓊丅 ภ𝑜丅 丅ⓗｅ g𝑜𝑜ᗪ Ҝ𝕀ภᗪ.